We do what we must because we can.

So, I havent been updating recently. Let me give you all a quick summary of life:

I had a boyfriend, Sean, and we went out for 3 months. Everything was fine, and suddenly, he decides to break up with me!

 

But... He was fine Wednsday. He was kissing me, holding me, just as always. And then Thursday, he tells like, 5 kids that he's going to break up with me. And he has my friend Amanda give me a heads up!

He told her to tell me "Sean is going to break up with you, and he said he'd go into detail later."

So, I freaked out.

And before 7th period, I got him as he came out of his classroom. I almost threw gatorade at him, but he anticipated it, and put his hand over the top. I called him an asshole, and he gave me the most hateful look I've ever seen... It made me sick!

 

So, I moped the rest of the day. Then, I saw him after school. I said: "Hey! Sean, we need to talk!"

He said: "You tried to gatorade me!"

I said: "Hey! Why are we breaking up? I deserve to know!"

He said: "I just dont want to sneak around! I dont want to wait till sophmore year to be invited to your house to meet your parents..." (My mom knew about us, but my dad didn't.) And as he walked away from me (with his ex-girlfriend hanging on his arm like the little slut she is), he said "I'm sorry." In the most hatefull, sleezy, uncaring way...

I flipped, yelled at him, and ran off with Amanda close behind.

 

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Then he calls me! Ugh! The nerve! But all he said was (in a droopy voice) "Yeah... I guess I can understand why you threw the gatorade at me..."

"Ok, bye."

 

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Today(Friday):

He avoided me. I left him a message on his phone:

"Sean, its me. Listen, I'm pissed at you. You owe me a decent break up. And if you dont think so, think of all the 'I love you's' and the kisses, and all the moment we shared, and reconcider. Remember all the times you were depressed? And no one cared? Who cared? Me! I was always there for you! So, today, I want you to walk me to the busstop one last time (he always walked me to the bus after school), and on the way, you're going to explain to me, calmly, why you're breaking up with me."

 

He avoids me all day, and has my friend tell me that he "Can't today. He's going to the movies today."

 

GREAT! Do you know how horrible that feels? To know that he thinks a movie is more important than my feelings?

 

And guess who he went with? INARA! HIS WHORE OF AN EX-GIRLFRIEND!

 

And I am CONVINCED that the reason he gave me Thursday (see above) is not the real reason! I'm pretty sure that he's breaking up with me because he still likes Inara.

I can see it now...

Inara (in her annoying Russian accent): Seeeeaaaan, I nevor stopped liyeking yeuu. I only broke up weeet yeuu becoz Katelyen liyeked yeuu. But I steel liyek yeuu! I want teuu get back togeder weet yeuu!

Sean: Yay! I'm hopelessly devoted to Inara, it's time to say bye-bye to Kaitlin!

 

And every fight me and Sean have ever had, Inara has been at the root of the problem! Me and Sean had a fight over the fact that she was flirting with him and he wasn't stopping her. We fought over the fact that she was being a btich towards me and he wasn't doing anything about it. We fought over the fact that he was still friends with his FLIRTATIOUS EX, who, he repeatedly reminded me, was hotter than me. We fought over the fact that he wrapped her Christmas present LOVINGLY and got her something she really wanted. (My Christmas gift, by the way, was a crappy $10 bear from Duane Reade, with the tag still on it, pulled from a shopping bag, that he obviously bought that morning)

 

It's all Inara's fault. Its her fault! ITS THAT WHORES FAULT! And I've had at least 5 people tell me that Inara ruined their relationships too.

And she's done this to me before! Back when I liked Cris McSexyhair, she was all "Oh, Katelyen, I was talkeeng teuu Creees, He liyeks mee, I dunte teenk he liyeks yeuu."

 

But I also hate Sean...

 

I mean, he... lied to me... He said 'I love you' first!  And 'I love you' does not mean that you'll break up with me in 3 months.

But, he's not the same... After Christmas break, he was drasticly different. He had a new haircut (Traded in his smexy superman curl for emo bangs), and its like with a new haircut, he got a new personality...

All of a sudden, he wants to throw out his preppy-skater-screw-the-world clothing/personality for an I'm-emo-I'm-gonna-stab-my-foot-'cause-I'm-depressed motiff.

 

I miss him... I miss the old him. I miss the Sean I fell in love with. This guy isn't him. I dont know this guy. When I called him an asshole and started crying, it would cut the old Sean like a knife, but it barely affects new Sean.

Old Sean would have ran after me when I yelled at him. New Sean just walks the oposite way.

Old Sean was going to buy me the 'Wicked' liberetto. New Sean bought me a crappy bear.

Old Sean said I was the best thing in his life. New Sean's found a replacement.

Old Sean loved me. New Sean wont even give me 20 minutes of his time.

Old Sean wouldn't have done this to me...

And its not just me! He's drifting away from all of his old friends. Jonathon, Toni, the list goes on. He traded them in for gothic/emo/violent girls who dont like me. (Veronica, Inara, etc.) I fit in with his old friends, and they'e still my friends, I dont fit in with his new freinds, even though I tried.

 

I dont want to make up, I want to break up and get this crap over with. But... A part of me wishes I could go back in time, to when it first started, so I could fix this mess... I cant help but feel like I did something wrong. I cant help but feel like somehow I failed as a girlfriend...

 

Sean was one of the best things in my life... I really felt something for him. He was... perfect. And I thought he felt the same way...

 

I cant believe he did this.

 

I'm starting to think that he got with me to make Inara jealous, and it worked, so now I'm done...

 

I hate him, I hate her, I hate me... I dont know what to do with myself...

 

In school, I'm pretending like I'm alright. But inside, I'm depressed as hell. All I can do is pretend like I'm not upset, and I'm stronger, but every time someone comes up to me and says: "Hey Kaitlin, why arent you with Sean?" and I have to respond "Oh, we broke up." My stomach lurches.

He broke my heart, he really did. I've never felt this before. I want to forgive him, but at the same time I dont. I want him to hold me, but I want him to stay 10 feet away from me at all times. I want to get back together, but I want to break up. I look at him and I see a handsome, caring guy, but I also see a dirty, ugly guy who doesn't give a shit if I get hit by a car.